The Political Asylum

kitchenwitch · Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: Jokes

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, 'I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!'

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.'

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick.'

kitchenwitch · Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject:

A little girl asked her m other, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother
answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all
mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and Papa said they
developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."

SilverMiniCooperS · Inmate of the Asylum Joined: 09 Jan 2007 Posts: 195

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. “Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband ‘Keith’ came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

“Hi, Keith!”

Vintage Girl · Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:26 pm Post subject:

A man walked into a pub and on the bar was a bowl of peanuts. The peanuts spoke to the man saying "My word you do look some and your tie is lovely!"

The man was astounded and went over to the cigarette machine. The cigarette machine and the cigarette machine said to him "You look a complete mess. Your hair is sticking up, you haven't even bothered to shave and your shoes are hideous!"

Even more taken aback the man returned to the bar and asked the barman "What on earth is going on?" The barman replied "I'm terribly sorry Sir, the peanuts are complimentary but that cigarette machine is completely out of order!"
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Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

muppetmurderer · Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:06 pm Post subject:

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
_________________
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Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house

Vintage Girl · Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:58 pm Post subject:

_________________
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

kitchenwitch · Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject:

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a
typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks, like I
said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" We heard one woman nearly fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two
weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.
"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly
says:
"Had'm circumcised"

Vintage Girl · Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:05 am Post subject:

I stole this from another site........well it amused the hell out of me!

muppetmurderer · Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject:

VG was telling me that she decided to to go self-sufficient and start up a chicken farm, so she buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.

A month later she returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.

Another month passes and VG's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I'm not sure where I'm going wrong" she tells the dealer.....
"I think perhaps I'm planting them too close together"

Very Happy

_________________
.
.
Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy? It means you're in the wrong house